When The Light Fades...

It hurts a lot to watch someone you love gradually let their light go.  Especially when you can see who they really are and what they're capable of.  When you know they want to change, but they just don't seem to have the strength to make it happen.  When you spend countless hours trying to help them see what they need to see, but they either can't or won't let it sink in.  You know they hear the words you're saying, but they can't hear the meaning beneath those words.

It hurts to watch them create a reality that doesn't really exist.  To watch them lie to themselves to justify that reality.  To watch them live in fear of fear itself,  of their own potential success, greatness, and possibility.

It hurts to see them give up their own happiness for someone who's not worth it.  To watch them try to make everyone that doesn't matter happy.  It's hard to understand why they would isolate themselves from those who really love them because they know they've disappointed those people.  To watch them invest their time with people who are in the relationship for selfish, self-centered reasons, and who take advantage of the person's weaknesses.  Who manipulate that person to get what they want.

It also hurts to loose that person, especially when you trusted them enough to open your heart and soul.  To let them see your scars, hurts, and broken parts.  It hurts when you find out that they're just like everyone else, especially when you thought they were different.  When you thought they wouldn't abandon you when you needed them.

All of this wouldn't hurt if you didn't love the person so much.  If you didn't want the best for them, and only had their ultimate happiness at heart.  It would be a lot easier if you couldn't feel their pain and struggles.  If you could just let go...

School Kind Of Sucks

So...I've been back in school now for approximately 2.5 weeks (I'm taking online classes this summer), and I'm already sick of it. I have 1 psychology class and 2 history classes. I realize I got my degree in psych, but yes, I have to take another class. Apparently a Bachelor's Degree just doesn't cut it. I suppose I will be a much more capable high school teacher if I pay $600 for one more class. Whatever.

I am a good 1.5 weeks behind in all of my classes. (Remember, the semester has only existed for 2.5.) Working full time and going to school almost full time is not fun. I've never taken summer classes, but I was under the impression that they would be easier and less time consuming. That is a lie. Apparently my professors have assumed that their class is the only one anyone is taking. This seems to be the case more often than not, no matter what semester we're talking about. I just thought they might take the "lazy days of summer" into consideration. Nope. Not even a little bit. Between the 3 classes, I will have to write 13 papers. Yes. 13. That's a lot. On top of that, I will take 10 exams. This all makes me quite ornery. When I think about the fact that these good times are costing almost $2400 it makes me even more ornery.

Then I have to take a step back and remember that I have chosen to put myself through all of this again. No one is making me do any of it. After this kind reminder, 4 things usually happen:

1) I question my sanity, and feel quite unbalanced in the head.

2) I cry. (No surprise there. That seems to be my reaction to most everything these days.)

3) I feel grateful for the opportunity to improve myself and my situation, and tell myself to suck it up.

4) I eat a lot of chocolate.

I do believe these reactions will evolve into a cycle that repeats itself on a regular basis. Hopefully no weight is gained because of it. We'll have to see.

Thanks for listening to my rant. ;)

The Journey Begins

For those of you who don't know (which may actually be a lot of you!), I have decided to change the path I've been on since I graduated from college almost 7 years ago. For the past 6 years, I have been working in the wellness industry. While I absolutley love my job, I have been feeling like it's time to head in a different direction. For me, this means going back to school to get my teaching certificate. I'm moving back up to Logan to go to USU for what I like to call "Round 2."

Since this move means being away from family and friends, and since a lot of my friends live states away anyway, I decided it would be fun to jump on the blogging bandwagon. I love reading my friends' blogs, and I feel better informed as to what's going on in their lives when I do.

Also, I HATE writing in my journal. I hate, hate, hate it! As a matter of fact, I can't remember the last time I actually did write in it. I thought this would be a good, and much more fun, substitute.

So.....because of my desire to stay in touch with those I love, and because I know how important recording your life is (or should be), all of you will have the blessing of being exposed to the interworkings of my brain. YAY!

Stay tuned.... :)